Emotional Safety in Relationships: The Power of Emotional Bids

A modern, minimalistic illustration capturing an intimate moment of connection, highlighting the importance of emotional safety in relationships.

Introduction

Emotional safety is a cornerstone of healthy, fulfilling relationships. It allows partners to express their feelings, thoughts, and needs without fear of rejection or judgment. Central to the development and maintenance of emotional safety is the concept of emotional bids. Emotional bids are the small, often subtle ways individuals attempt to connect with their partners, and they play a critical role in the health of any relationship. This blog post explores the concept of emotional bids, their importance, and how couples can effectively respond to them to enhance emotional safety in their relationships.

Understanding Emotional Bids

Definition of Emotional Bids

Emotional bids are verbal or nonverbal attempts to connect with one's partner. They are considered the fundamental unit of emotional communication in relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015). These bids can vary from simple gestures, like a smile or a touch, to more complex verbal requests for attention, affection, or support. The underlying purpose of an emotional bid is to gain a response from the partner, whether it’s for emotional support, affection, or simply attention.

Types of Emotional Bids

Emotional bids can manifest in various forms, including:

1. Verbal bids: Comments, questions, or requests for attention. For example, asking, “How was your day?” is a bid for interaction and connection.

2. Nonverbal bids: These include facial expressions, touch, or body language. A smile, a hug, or even a meaningful glance can serve as a nonverbal bid.

3. Bids for information: Seeking knowledge or opinions from a partner is a way of connecting intellectually.

4. Bids for emotional support: Expressing feelings or seeking comfort can be a powerful way of connecting emotionally.

5. Bids for humor: Sharing jokes or playful interactions can lighten the mood and reinforce connection through laughter.

Each of these bids, whether big or small, is an attempt to bridge the emotional gap between partners and increase closeness.

The Role of Responding to Emotional Bids

How partners respond to emotional bids is crucial in determining the emotional climate of the relationship. Research by Driver and Gottman (2004) identifies three primary ways partners can respond to bids:

1. Turning towards: Acknowledging and responding positively to the bid. This is the most constructive response and reinforces emotional safety and connection.

2. Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid. This response can create distance between partners, as it signals disinterest or neglect.

3. Turning against: Responding negatively or with hostility. This reaction can be damaging, as it not only rejects the bid but can also introduce conflict into the relationship.

Couples who consistently turn towards each other's bids are more likely to have stable and satisfying relationships. This positive interaction pattern fosters trust, enhances emotional connection, and contributes to the overall health of the relationship (Driver & Gottman, 2004).

Enhancing Connection Through Emotional Bids

Emotional bids are fundamental to building and maintaining connection in relationships. Here are some of the key ways in which they contribute:

1. Trust building: Responding to bids consistently and positively helps to build trust between partners. When one partner knows that the other will be there emotionally, it creates a sense of reliability and safety (Feeney & Collins, 2015).

2. Emotional attunement: Recognizing and responding to bids increases emotional understanding and attunement. This mutual understanding strengthens the emotional bond between partners and enhances empathy (Johnson, 2019).

3. Conflict prevention: Regular positive interactions through emotional bids can prevent the build-up of negative emotions. These interactions create a reservoir of goodwill that can help buffer the relationship against conflicts (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

4. Intimacy development: Sharing and responding to emotional bids over time deepens intimacy. It allows partners to feel seen, heard, and valued, which are essential components of a close, intimate relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019).

Improving Bid Recognition and Response

While understanding the importance of emotional bids is crucial, couples also need practical strategies to improve their recognition and response to these bids:

1. Increasing awareness: Couples can start by becoming more aware of the bids they and their partners make. This can involve paying closer attention to verbal and nonverbal cues.

2. Practising active listening: Active listening involves fully concentrating on what the partner is saying, rather than just passively hearing the words. This practice can help in better recognising and responding to bids.

3. Responding promptly and positively: Whenever possible, respond to your partner's bids promptly and with a positive attitude. Even a simple acknowledgment can make a significant difference.

4. Discussing the importance of bids: Couples can benefit from open discussions about the role of emotional bids in their relationship, ensuring both partners understand their significance.

5. Seeking professional help: If recognizing or responding to bids is challenging, couples therapy can provide guidance and tools to improve these interactions.

Conclusion

Emotional safety in relationships is built on the consistent and positive exchange of emotional bids. By understanding what emotional bids are and how to effectively respond to them, couples can enhance their emotional connection, build trust, and deepen intimacy. These small, everyday interactions may seem insignificant, but they are the building blocks of a healthy, resilient relationship.

References

Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314.

Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113-147.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Publications.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.